It’s Fall. I love Fall. For the past few years, I have not loved Fall. It was not a time of beauty – it was a time of dying. But, at least this year, it has been one of those gorgeous Falls that I remember from my younger years, pre-death of my mother, pre-aloneness.
Last year, I took a break from social media during late Fall and pretty much all of Winter. Initially, it was for a reboot of the seasons. I was newly divorced and starting over. After my mother’s death in 2005, I divorced and immediately got involved in another relationship, marrying almost 5 years later, and divorcing again 4 years to the day after that.
I gave myself no time to learn to live alone.
I gave myself no time to breathe.
I didn’t want to.
I wasn’t ready
This year, I began the social media break earlier. It is very refreshing, and I highly recommend it. It doesn’t include all blogs – just a reduction. As a matter of fact, once I got off of social media last Fall, I found time to write more, and I had more time to myself.
When my mother died, I was no longer a daughter. Nobody would call me, “Daughter, Dear Daughter,” again. I sobbed. I felt like an orphan.
That parental unconditional love left her body on that day in June 2005, when I held her cold hand while she was sleeping and told her it was okay to go – that I was okay, that I would be okay. I didn’t believe it, but she needed to hear it. She left within one minute.
During these ten years, two things have happened: first, I have found that the cliché that she is always with me is true; second, I have learned how that parental unconditional love can come from me for me.
I still want my mom – when I feel scared, alone, empty, unloved, not cared for. But she won’t be back, and trying to find her within myself hasn’t worked for me. I’ve had to learn that I need to identify how I feel, and either care for myself or share what I’m going through with my new support system. This works.
I will do whatever is in my power to help an adoptee, and in the grand scheme of things, that seems to be very little. Over time, what I have found that is the most helpful from me is support, and links to DNA adoption sites and references.
I have so many “feels” when I’m contacted by, or I contact, an adoptee. I may have felt like an “orphan” when my mother died, but adoptees have grown up without that parental connection, and it makes my heart ache. Sometimes I cry. I don’t know why, or if it’s right or wrong or stupid or insulting to have these feelings. I’m told that feelings are not to be judged – they are just what they are.
Sometimes, I send photos if the cMs are close enough and the ICW and Matrix show a match, meaning that we are obviously related. I’ve learned to acknowledge how special this search is, because it would be for me. Sometimes I welcome the adoptee to the family, even though I have no idea in what way he or she is related. I always give links to dnaadoption.com and some of DNA-Explained links, such as this one.
And these days, I try always to remember to say that I will be available as someone who can be contacted again by the adoptee either for family tree information, or just plain emotional support. Because I believe that the more you share, the more you receive. And the better I feel when I am helping others.
Bless you, Adoptees. May you have success in your search, and if you don’t find family, at least may you find answers.